5 Things to Do (Right Now) If Your Wife Doesn't Want Sex

Do you ever feel pushed away by your wife in the bedroom? And, are you starting to feel more like roommates than spouses? 

If so, then you're not alone. This is the number one DM or email that I receive from married men — wondering why their wives don't want sex and what on earth they can do about it.

In this blog post, I'm going to give you some solutions and practical suggestions that you can try to boost your sexual connection with your wife because you deserve an epic sex life!

And if you'd rather watch this info on YouTube, or listen on my podcast - you can check them out on these links!

The Importance of Sex in Marriage

First things first, I want to let you know that wanting sex in your marriage is valid and essential! 

It's important because it not only gives us emotional benefits and helps us feel connected to our partner, but it also provides several physical benefits. 

For men, in particular, the physical benefits are profound: 

• Frequent ejaculation can decrease your risk of prostate cancer.

• Sex can help you have a reduced risk of dying from a heart attack. 

This proves that sex is important. And you deserve to have it!

That being said, the fact that you're not having as much sex as you wish you were is not that uncommon.

How Much Sex Do Married Couples Have? 

You may be wondering why you're not having a lot of sex anymore. Certainly, not nearly as much as you used to when you just got married. 

If I asked you, "What's the ideal amount of sex for a couple to have?" you might have a number in your head of around three times a week. 

But in reality, couples are only having sex about 54 times per year, which is around one time per week. There are more and more couples having sex as little as once a month — which is considered a sexless marriage. 

If this is you, and you're frustrated, then don't worry. I have some suggestions to help change the tide and reignite the passion in your marriage. But first, let's look at some of the reasons why your wife may not want to have sex. 

Why Doesn't Your Wife Want Sex?

There are many reasons your wife may not want sex — some of which can easily be fixed — while others are a bit more challenging to overcome.

• Emotional disconnect: For many women, emotional intimacy is a crucial part of feeling sexually connected. If there's been a breakdown in communication, unresolved conflicts, or if she feels unappreciated or misunderstood, these emotional barriers can lead to a low sex drive and completely diminish her desire to be physically intimate. 

• Stress and fatigue: Life's demands, including work, family responsibilities, and household chores, can leave your wife mentally and physically exhausted. Stress is a known cause of low libido, and if she's not getting enough rest or time to unwind, sex might feel more like an added pressure than a pleasurable activity.

• Body image and self-esteem: If your wife is struggling with body image or self-esteem issues, she might feel uncomfortable or insecure about being physically intimate. Whether it's due to changes after childbirth, aging, or weight gain, these feelings can significantly impact her sexual appetite. 

• Hormonal changes: Hormones play a significant role in sexual desire. Fluctuations due to pregnancy, postpartum recovery, breastfeeding, menopause, or even monthly menstrual cycles can affect her libido. 

5 Tips to Have More Sex With Your Wife

Reigniting passion and sexual intimacy in your marriage isn't always straightforward, but with some mindful adjustments, you can create an environment that fosters closeness and connection.

Here are five actionable tips that may seem unconventional initially but can directly impact the quality and frequency of intimacy in your relationship.

1. Get Off Your Cellphones

Cell phones are often driving a wedge in our relationships. It's easy to get caught up in the endless scroll, but this habit pulls our attention away from our partner, leading to missed opportunities for connection. 

When you're sitting together, whether on the couch or at the dinner table, those could be bonding moments—chatting, laughing, and enjoying each other's company. Instead, we're often engrossed in our screens.

I'm guilty of this, too. We're all addicted to our phones, and while they have their benefits, they also lead to these little missed connections that can add up. 

Your partner might be trying to engage with you, seeking eye contact or a smile, but if you're both glued to your screens, those small bids for connection are lost. Over time, this can create a sense of disconnect, like tiny rejections that sting and chip away at your bond.

Then there's the comparison game. On social media, it looks like everyone else is having the time of their lives, and we wonder why our relationship doesn't measure up. But remember, you're only seeing the highlight reel. This kind of comparison can be harmful because it's not realistic.

Another thing to consider is how phones are reducing our attention spans. A shorter attention span is not great when it comes to intimacy. Being a good lover requires focus—on your body, your partner's cues, and the moment. 

So, try putting down the phone a little more often. 

Use that time to connect with your wife, perhaps through non-sexual touch. If she enjoys touch, aim for at least ten non-sexual touches a day. It might sound like a lot, but considering we touch our phones hundreds of times a day, this is a small but impactful shift.

2. Understand the Double Helix of Emotional and Physical Intimacy

You can think of emotional and physical intimacy as two strands of a double helix—they're intertwined and feed each other. When one weakens, the other often does too. 

For many men, physical intimacy might be the gateway to emotional intimacy, whereas, for many women, it's the opposite. In other words, women often need emotional connection to feel ready for physical intimacy.

This difference can be frustrating, but understanding it is key to having more and better sex in your marriage. 

Emotional intimacy creates the safety and vulnerability needed for meaningful sex. Without it, sex can feel like just going through the motions, which neither of you wants.

So, how do you build emotional intimacy? Here are some things you can try: 

• Ask your wife what makes her feel connected to you. In many cases, you may be surprised by her answer!

• Learn about her love languages and try to show her you love her in ways that make her feel treasured. 

• Make her feel special by taking her on date nights. Romance the heck out of her.😉

Nurturing this side of your relationship is crucial. It's the foundation for physical intimacy, so don't underestimate it!

3. Recognise and Respect Differences in Sexual Desire

There's a common misconception that both partners should feel spontaneously horny at the same time, ready to jump into bed at a moment's notice. 

This idea is perpetuated by the media, pop culture, and of course, porn. But the reality is different for many couples:

• While some people (often men) experience spontaneous desire—where they feel turned on out of the blue—others (often women) have what's known as responsive desire. In other words, they need to be physically stimulated before they start to feel aroused.

Understanding this can be a game-changer. 

If your wife has responsive sexual arousal, she might not feel turned on until you're already engaged in some form of physical affection. Note that this doesn't mean she's not interested in sex. It simply means she might need a different kind of lead-in.

There are different ways to make your wife horny: 

• You can touch her (and not just sexually): While touching her sexually can work, you also need to touch her in romantic and sweet ways, such as hugging her, cuddling her, and holding hands. 

• Make her feel desired: Flatter her by complimenting her and doing little things for her, such as making her hot chocolate in bed. 

• Schedule time together: Do things together to keep the spark alive. These don't have to be grand gestures. Instead, carve out time together to go out for a walk, stay at home and watch a movie, or prepare dinner together. 

Also, try having a conversation with your wife about ways both of you can initiate sex without feeling awkward or pushy. 

For example, you can have an "initiation blanket", a dedicated blanket you or your wife can put on the bed whenever you want sex. The other person will see the blanket and can let you know if they're also open to intimacy. 

It all comes down to initiating intimacy in ways that feel good for both of you. It's not about forcing anything but creating an environment where desire can naturally develop.

4. Continue to Date Each Other

Just because you're married doesn't mean the romance should stop. 

Treat your wife as the woman you desired when you were dating. Remember, the role of a girlfriend or lover often involves flirting, excitement, and newness. 

When a woman becomes a wife, especially if she's also a mother and a working woman, these aspects can fade into the background. But she's still the same person—you just need to help remind her.

Flirt with her, date her, and show her she's still your lover. Plan regular dates and surprise her with little gestures that appeal to her sense of romance and fun. These efforts keep the spark alive and remind her (and you) of the passion that brought you together in the first place.

Here are some date ideas for you: 

• Recreate your first date: Bring back the nostalgia by revisiting where you had your first date. Wear similar outfits, order the same food, and talk about those early days.

• Spontaneous getaways: Surprise her with a weekend getaway. It doesn't have to be far—just a change of scenery can work wonders.

• Daytime adventures: Plan a daytime date that involves something outdoorsy, such as hiking, visiting a botanical garden, or taking a scenic drive with a picnic.

• Themed date nights: Choose a theme for your date nights, like a movie marathon of her favourite films, a cooking class at home where you both make a new dish, or even a retro game night with board games from childhood.

It doesn't have to be expensive. Just do something exciting that will get her blood running hot again. And you'll more than likely be rewarded later!

Speaking of date nights, I have 2 FREE Sexy Date Nights planned out for you. Simply download them and surprise your wife with a date night she’ll love!

5. Have Open, Honest Conversations

When intimacy is lacking, it's easy to get frustrated and resort to accusations or complaints. But these only drive a wedge further between you. 

Instead, choose a calm, neutral moment to have a heart-to-heart. Go for a walk together, share a bubble bath, and ask open-ended questions like, "What would help you feel closer to me?" or "Is there something holding you back from feeling connected?"

Listen with an open heart and mind. Avoid getting defensive—this is about finding solutions together. While the answers might sting, they're the key to getting back on track.

Approach these conversations with patience and empathy, and you'll be laying the groundwork for a more connected and happy relationship where you both achieve emotional and sexual satisfaction.

Also, consider asking your wife about her sexual desires and any fantasies she may have. Often, the sexual routine can become monotonous over time, making it feel more like a chore than something exciting. 

If the sex you're having is predictable and lacks variety, she might not be as interested. Introducing new experiences, sexual fantasies, or even just changing the setting can help reignite the passion. 

Ready to Have More Sex in Your Marriage? 

Contrary to popular belief, your marriage's romance, passion, and intimacy don't have to end. If you consistently have open conversations, go out on date nights with your partner, and make time for each other, you can bring back the passion you desire!

If you're curious about boosting your confidence in the bedroom and understanding your wife better, check out my free guide, A Man's Guide to Sexual Confidence.