These 3 Sneaky Mistakes Are Killing Your Sex Life (And How to Fix Them)

Is your sex life slower than the Monday morning commute? 

Not having enough sex in a relationship is a more common problem than you think. 

So, if you feel like you’re on a never-ending cycle of sexual abstinence or the sex you’re having is way less satisfying than it used to be, you’re not alone. There are sneaky, silent habits that may be killing the sexual connection with your partner, and the worst part?

You might not even realise you’re doing them. But don’t stress — I’m here to show you the trap doors you’re falling through and, more importantly, how to get back on track.

I’m Lisa Welsh, an accredited sex educator, here to help you reignite the passion in your long term relationship. 

Today, we’re going to talk about three hidden mistakes that are potentially wrecking your sex life — and no, I’m not talking about the obvious things like not spending enough time together or your general stress level. 

If you’re guilty of any of these, don’t worry! I’ve got easy solutions to each of them, so read on and let’s get started!

1. Routine in the Bedroom: The Silent Killer

Have you and your partner been together for a long time? Noticed a significant dip in your sex drive and sexual desire? The culprit to the lack of sexual activity in your relationship could very well be routine. Let’s have a deeper look. 

Why Routine in the Bedroom is the Enemy

First up is routine — that comfortable but deadly trend a lot of couples fall into. It's understandable. We all like what's familiar, but when sex becomes predictable, excitement goes out the window faster than yesterday’s newspaper.

Picture this: You start with some rushed kissing, maybe some fumbling around, hit the same sex positions you've always done, and then it's done. Sound familiar? 

This is the dreaded "sex escalator." You hop on that bottom step, and before you know it, you've been whisked along for the same ride as last time. Sure, it works, but it’s getting pretty dull, right?

When you’re stuck doing the same dance every time you get busy, it’s no wonder you and your wife have low libido. If you’re thinking, "where’s the spark gone?" or "why doesn’t she seem as into it?", this could be why. Boring sex routines can be a silent passion killer.

Signs You're in a Routine and Lack The Spark

• Sex follows the same “script” every time.

• There’s no more anticipation or excitement.

• One or both of you struggles to feel in the mood.

How to Break Free from Routine

What’s the cure? In a word: novelty. Remember when everything was new and awkward during your teenage years? There was a delicious tension, wondering, what’s next.

Here are some fun ideas to bring that element back:

• Dry humping: Yes, seriously! Full clothes on, grinding can build heat so fast you'll wonder why you ever stopped.

• Make-out sessions as if you’re teenagers: Kissing for the sake of kissing. Not every kiss should be a prelude to sex — sometimes, it’s just about feeling close and hot.

• Mix up the order: Who says it has to be foreplay, sex, finish? Stop halfway through, switch things around, go back to oral or manual pleasure. Keep them guessing.

• Change up your location: Is it always in the bedroom? Why? Try your living room, shower, or kitchen! Just make sure you’re not near the windows if the neighbours are close!

The secret to spicing things up isn’t doing something crazy every time, it’s breaking away from the autopilot script. It could be as simple as switching who initiates or trying out a blindfold. 

If you need some inspiration, I’ve put together 26 Saucy Sexual Ideas, from A to Z, which include everything from anal play to zappers. If you're unsure where to start, grab the free guide — you're welcome!

2. Not Feeling Sexy in Your Body

Another reason why you may not be having frequent sex in your relationship could be because you don’t feel confident and sexy. Remember, your wife’s sexual attraction to you can be directly impacted by how you carry yourself. 

Understanding Body Confidence

How do you feel about your body right now? Because, let’s face it, if you’re not digging what you see in the mirror, it's going to affect how you show up in bed. 

Body confidence is incredibly attractive and crucial for a passionate physical and emotional connection. It’s not always about how you look, but about how you feel.

When you feel good about yourself, that confidence radiates and your partner can sense it too. On the flip side, if you’re slouching around, avoiding eye contact, or being hard on yourself, believe it or not, it can dampen the mood.

Quick Self-Care Tips to Rebuild Confidence

So, what do we do about this? Luckily, there are simple ways to turn those feelings around. Self-care isn't some wishy-washy concept. It genuinely impacts how you engage with the world, including your bedroom antics.

• Exercise: It’s not about losing weight or looking like a movie star; it’s about feeling strong and healthy in your own body.

• Sleep: Poor sleep sabotages your sex life in more ways than one. Get those Zzzs.

• Stress management: Whether it’s meditation, mindfulness, or just getting an early night when you need it, lowering stress levels can make all the difference in how you feel.

• Grooming: This is so underrated! A small change like grooming your beard or running a bit of product through your hair can make you feel sharper and more confident.

Even if you’re not feeling your best now, start with these little things. They make a bigger difference than you might imagine. It’s about respect — for yourself, for your body, and your relationship.

Need a little extra help feeling good about your body? 

I’ve created a 5-minute audio guide focused on boosting body confidence in men. It’s designed to help you appreciate your body as it is right now and feel great about getting intimate again.

3. Great Sex Expectations

If you’re looking to have more regular sex in your marriage, you need to let go of the picture of “perfect” sex. Unrealistic expectations impact your physical and emotional intimacy. Let’s explore this. 

The Myth of Perfect Sex

Now, let’s talk about everyone’s favourite myth: that sex should be spontaneous, easy, and perfect — three words that couldn’t be further from the truth. If you’ve been absorbing how Hollywood paints picture-perfect sex scenes, let’s clear that up right now.

In real life, great sex doesn’t happen without effort. It’s messy. It’s sometimes awkward. There are weird noises, accidental farts, and maybe even the dreaded "queef". Ain’t no fireworks going off every time either. And that’s totally normal.

Expecting spontaneous perfection sets you up for disappointment. Nobody tells you about the challenges like keeping the kids out of the room or figuring out contraception logistics, right?

Idealised, no-effort passion isn’t a reflection of real life. Throw those wild expectations in the bin. It’s time to embrace real physical intimacy, which is way more valuable anyway.

Why Planning Sex is Sexy

And here’s another shocker for you: planning sex can be really hot. You heard me! You probably planned sex a lot when you first got together, you just didn’t realise it because it was a top priority back then.

You groomed, cleared your schedule, maybe even picked out special underwear. These weren’t spontaneous romps; they were planned but felt passionate because you made them so damn important. So why not bring that back?

Have a look at your upcoming week. With work, kids, and all the random things life throws at you, chances are, you won’t just stumble into the bedroom at the same time, feeling frisky. Make a plan. This doesn’t mean writing "sex, 3:00 pm Friday" in the diary (unless that works for you).

But carving out space for connection — erotic play if you will — is significant.

The best part? Planning adds anticipation. You can flirt beforehand, send cheeky texts, and build the excitement so that by the time you’re together, the mood is already there. Plus, it gives you time to clear your head from other distractions.

So, bottom line: If you and your partner are struggling to find time for some quality sexual activity, you should consider scheduling sex into your routines. This may sound boring, but I promise you, sex schedules can be hot if you do it right!

Other Mistakes That Are Killing Your Sex Life

In addition to the three main sex killers listed above, there are other things that may also be impacting sexual frequency and sexual satisfaction in your marriage. These include: 

• Desire discrepancy: Keep in mind that male and female sex drive looks different. Males often have spontaneous sexual desire, while females usually have responsive sexual desire — meaning you need to turn your wife on first before she can get in the mood.

• A poor diet: Did you know eating too much salt and junk food can have a direct impact on your sexual activity? This is because eating bad foods can lead to high blood pressure, which causes low libido. 

• Lack of sexual communication: Look, if you don’t speak up, your partner won’t know that something is wrong. If something is bothering you, bring it up to your wife so you can talk about it and find a solution together. Talking about sex doesn’t have to be awkward, I did a video on how to talk to your partner about sex here. 

Let’s Sum it Up: What to Do Now

There you have it: three sneaky mistakes that are quietly suffocating your sexual intimacy — and the fixes you need to breathe life back into it.

• Ditch the routine and shake things up. Bring back the spontaneity of those early days with fun changes to how you connect physically. If you’re stuck for ideas, grab my 26 Saucy Sex Ideas here.

• Feel good about your body. Confidence is key. A few small self-care tasks can do wonders. And don’t forget, I’ve got a body confidence audio guide waiting for you.

• Let go of perfect sex and embrace reality. No, sex isn’t always fireworks and symphonies, but that’s what makes it real and intimate. Plan for it, and enjoy the build-up with some modern-day foreplay like sexting or saucy pics.
  

If you’re serious about totally overhauling your sex life and want a road map to get there, my Flames Blueprint is at your service. It’s your step-by-step guide to a relationship filled with passion and connection. Say goodbye to low sex drive and hello to hotter intimate moments!