5 Crucial Mistakes to Avoid When Asking Your Wife for Sex

Let's get real: Initiating sex can be awkward and uncomfortable. Especially if you're always the one initiating it🙈. 

It can also make you feel unwanted and undesired at times. 

However, in many cases, it isn't because your wife doesn't desire you. Instead, it has more to do with the way you ask for sex. 

In this article, we'll have a look at why men are typically the ones to initiate sex, the mistakes you need to avoid when asking your wife for sex, and what you should do instead. 

And if you prefer to watch this information on YouTube or listen on my podcast, you can find them at these links!

What Does It Mean to Ask for Sex? 

While sex can occur naturally, and you certainly can have moments of ripping each other's clothes off, other times, your wife may not be aroused, so you may need to initiate sex. 

It's pretty common for men to be aroused more often since males typically have a spontaneous desire while females often have a responsive desire. 

In fact, 75% of men experience spontaneous desire where they randomly feel horny and out of the blue want sex. On the other hand, women primarily need to be "turned on" in some way before they're in the mood for sex. 

So, while it's common for men to be the ones to initiate intimacy, there are some right and wrong ways of asking your wife for sex. 

Let's dive into the top 5 mistakes or wrong ways of asking for sex first. 

Top 5 Mistakes to Avoid When Asking Your Wife for Sex

Here are some of the top mistakes you need to avoid. 

1. Coming Across as Desperate

The first mistake you want to avoid is coming across as desperate or begging for sex. 

Now, I get it. If you really feel like your needs aren't being met and you have no idea when you'll get a chance, it can be so frustrating. 

But statements like, "Why don't we ever have sex anymore?" or, "Please, can we just do it tonight?" can make your partner feel pressured and uncomfortable. That is not conducive to a sexy environment. 

This approach can be a massive turnoff because it focuses solely on your needs without considering her feelings.

Now, don't get me wrong. Your needs ARE important, but so are hers. 

This approach isn't going to create a pleasurable and fun environment. 

So, a better alternative is to initiate a conversation where you express your desire to connect with her more intimately.

You could say: "I miss being close to you, and I would love to find ways to be more intimate with you. What would you be available for?"

This is more inviting and focuses on mutual connection rather than desperation. It’ll also help her understand that you're longing for a connection - not just to scratch an itch.

2. Blaming or Criticising Your Partner

Phrases like, "You never want to have sex” or “You're not attracted to me anymore, are you?" can be incredibly hurtful.

Blame and criticism damage your wife's self-esteem and create a defensive atmosphere that prevents meaningful communication. 

And it can make meaningful communication almost impossible at that moment.

I encourage you to understand that the response of not being in the mood or having a headache tonight is just the tip of the iceberg of a much bigger issue that your wife may be experiencing. 

Underneath the surface, there could be so many things happening.

Maybe there are body image issues, stress, exhaustion, or the fact that life has changed recently.

There could be health issues or medication and so many other things.

So, a more constructive approach here would be asking open-ended questions and then genuinely listening to her response.

You could say, "I've noticed we haven't been as intimate lately. Is there something on your mind? Is there anything you would like to talk about?" 

This shows that you care about her feelings and are open to understanding her perspective. 

3. Using Ultimatums and Threats

The third mistake to avoid is using ultimatums, threats, or making sex transactional. 

So, this includes saying things like, "If you don't start having sex with me, I'll find someone who will," or, "We haven't had sex in three weeks," or "You haven't touched me since our last argument."

This can be so damaging to your relationship.

Ultimatums and transactional language create a sense of fear and obligation, and it's not conducive to a loving, intimate approach. 

So, can you focus on creating a supportive environment where you both feel safe expressing your desires? 

You might say, “I want us to work together to improve our intimacy because it's important to me, and I believe it's essential for our relationship, too.”

This invites collaboration instead of confrontation.

Now, I'm conscious that this may seem to suggest I'm putting all of the responsibility on you to fix this issue in your relationship. 

But I want to empower you to realise that you have a lot of potential to improve the situation as it stands.

If you're not having as much sex as you wish you were having, it’s an opportunity to improve the relationship as a whole, and intimacy will naturally follow. 

Understanding that a lot of people, especially women, require emotional intimacy to feel ready for physical activity can inspire you to improve things in your relationship so that sex becomes more attractive to both of you. 

And if you're looking for ways to improve your communication and confidence in pursuing your partner, you'll love my free guide, a man's guide to sexual confidence. 

4. Using Silly Initiations for Sex

Another common mistake is using joking or silly initiations for sex. 

This is like trying to initiate sex with humour, like swinging your penis around or saying, "It's not going to suck itself." 

And I get it. Being rejected is painful, and initiating in this way makes it less painful if and when they say no. 

But the problem is that your wife might feel that you're not taking her feelings or this intimate moment seriously, which can lead to misunderstandings and missed opportunities for genuine connection. 

So, it’s better to be direct and sincere in your intentions. A heartfelt compliment or a loving, non-sexual touch can go a long way. 

You could say, “You look fantastic tonight. I would love to spend some intimate time with you.” so you're not putting pressure to have intercourse. This shows respect and genuine desire, making your partner feel valued and wanted.

5. Focusing on the Frequency of Sex

The last and likely most common mistake is focusing on the frequency of sex. Saying things like, "Oh, we only have sex once a month."

It just shifts the focus to numbers. And sex isn't about quantity, it's about quality and connection. 

If you want to learn more about this, you should pick up Emily Nagoski's book, Come As You Are. It goes into depth about the truth of sexual desire in a relationship and also shares concepts like desire accelerators and brakes that you might find super helpful.

A better approach would be to discuss how you both feel about your current level of intimacy and what you can do to improve it. 

You might say, "I've been thinking about how we can be closer and more connected. What can we do to create more intimate moments together?"

This shifts the focus towards building a stronger emotional and physical connection. And it feels so much more inviting. 

4 Tips to Ask Your Wife for Sex

Now that we've covered what you shouldn't do let's look at how you should ask for sex instead. 

1. Ask Her Directly

While it may seem awkward or intimidating to ask your wife for sex directly, sometimes it's the best way to go about it. 

That said, avoid making it seem high pressure and stay relaxed while asking. You can consider saying something like, "Hey, would you like to have sex tonight, baby?"

This direct and mature approach is perfect for long-term relationships since you and your wife are already comfortable with each other. 

Plus, you can even consider carving out time in your calendars for sexual connection. I know scheduled sex seems boring, but believe me, it can be a game-changer and allow for a lot more sex in your marriage. 

2. Consider Other Sexual Approaches

If you're aroused and your wife isn't, you can find creative ways to turn her on, like suggesting going down on her, using a sex toy on her, or even doing mutual masturbation. 

Foreplay is an excellent way to get your wife in the mood. Perhaps you can even give her a couple of orgasms while you're at it😉. 

3. Use an Indirect Approach

Outside of sexual acts, there are many other ways you can get your wife aroused without touching her at all. These include dirty talking, giving her gifts, or having a romantic date night.

Don't know how to plan a date night that'll have her swooning? Download my 2 FREE sexy date night ideas that are completely planned out for you.

4. Communicate About Your Sex Life

It's important to sit down and have a discussion about your sex life, including your and your wife's desires, expectations, turnoffs, and things you want to try together. 

Perhaps you're unknowingly doing something that's a big turnoff for your wife or vice versa. Talking about it can help you quickly fix the issue before it becomes a more significant barrier. 

Make sure you choose a time and place to discuss your sex life that's convenient for both of you, and that's free of any distractions. Be honest and open about your feelings, and encourage your wife to do the same.

Communication truly is key to amazing intimacy in your marriage. 

Turn Your Sex Life From Boring or Non-Existent to Incredible 

So, let's sum it up: Try to avoid desperation, blame, ultimatums, and joking initiations (unless she likes that). 

Instead, make sure you create a safe space where you and your wife can freely talk about your feelings regarding sex. You can ask your wife directly or take a more indirect approach. 

It depends on your unique situation and relationship. 

If you're ready to take your intimacy from lacking and frustrating to endless nights of lovemaking and lasting connection, you can check out my FLAMES course. 

This 6-part framework is the answer to helping you build a satisfying sex life that both you AND your wife will love. 

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